Sunday, June 30, 2013

Those on the outside will never understand

You have seen on T.V. and in the movies when someone goes to an AA meeting for the first time.  
Joining the DOC and these groups is so similar isn't it?

We introduce ourselves, "Hi, my name is Laura.  I am a diabetic." And the group shouts "Hi Laura"

Then we sit back and observe everyone, just listening, not ready to chime in yet.  Not ready to divulge our struggles and emotions, afraid to ask any questions, still a little shy about putting ourselves "out there".  Not really sure if we fit into the group and hesitant to be there. As time progresses we either feel comfortable or we don't.  Some stay and some go.

The solace is that we know we are not alone.   We may be shy and hide our emotions and struggles, or bold and just put them put there and share for everyone to see.  However we go through our lives with diabetes, we are not alone and that gives us comfort.

For the outer world looking into our circle they look at us at times with pity, judgement, criticism and sometimes sympathy but never empathy.  Those on the outside will never understand our struggles, hurdles and emotions.  Only another PWD (person with diabetes) can understand the joy of when after that meal when you test that bg is right where it should be and we want to yell "YES!"  That feeling of disappointment when you have done everything right and your blood sugar skyrockets. Those days of wanting to give up and crawl back into bed, cover your head and scream "DIABETES GO AWAY!!!"  Days of feeling lost, hopeless, in pain.  Those on the outside will never understand.  

Having to choose and account for every morsel of food that goes into your mouth.  Choosing every meal carefully, trying to get that carb count just right.  Making sure you did get it right so the insulin matches your carb count.  Fearing that next unexpected low.  Hoping you don't have a low in the middle of the night or while driving.  Planning for everything you do, even to go to the grocery store.  Taking with you your bag of supplies, your posse.  Pricking your fingers multiple times daily, wondering if it will ever be painless.  Wanting to have that small slice of pie that everyone else is having not wanting to hear "you know you can't eat that" and then you hear it and those mixed feeling of mad and shame appear.  Mad at the person who said it, mad at diabetes, and the shame and disgust that goes with it.  Those on the outside will never understand.  

On the inside of this Diabetes circle we are not alone.  We may be at different stages of our diabetes, a different "type", on a different path, but we are all thrown into this circle together and we will make it.  

          I am Strong and I am Weak.
          I am Fearless but I am Afraid.
          I have Happiness and I have Sadness.
          I am Wise but I am not Perfect.
          I can Laugh but sometimes Cry.
          I may feel like I am on top of the world and then I am slapped down by 
                 that diabetes monster and thrown down into that pit and feel weak, 
                 afraid, sad, imperfect, and cry.
          I climb out, dust myself off and become strong, fearless, happy, wise and 
             laugh once more. 

          Hi, my name is Laura and I have Diabetes. 

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